How to Write a Eulogy

How long it should be

Aim for three to five minutes. That is long enough to say something real and short enough that you can get through it. At a slow, gentle pace of about 120 words a minute:

• Three minutes is about 360 words.
• Four minutes is about 480 words.
• Five minutes is about 600 words, and it is the upper limit.

If several people are speaking, ask the officiant or funeral director how much time you have. If you are the only speaker, you could go a little longer, but short is almost always better. People remember a few well-chosen moments, and a shorter eulogy is easier on you.

Start by gathering, not writing

The hardest part of a eulogy is the blank page. Skip it. Spend a day or two collecting small things first, with no pressure to make them sound good.

Then look through your notes and circle the two or three that feel most like them. Those become the heart of the eulogy.

A simple structure

Here is a shape that works for almost any eulogy. Each part can be a few sentences.

1. Say who you are and your relationship to them (20 seconds). “I'm Anna, Frank's granddaughter.”
2. Open with a sentence that says who they were (20 seconds). “My grandfather was a man who fixed things, whether you asked him to or not.”
3. Tell one or two stories (2 minutes). Choose scenes, not summaries.
4. Say what they gave the people in the room (45 seconds). What you learned, what they made easier or better.
5. Say goodbye (30 seconds). A short, direct closing to them or about them.

You may want to mention a few facts from their life, such as where they grew up, their work, or their family. Keep it brief, and weave it in rather than reciting it. A sentence like “He drove a school bus for thirty-one years and knew every child's name” tells people more than a list of dates.

Choosing the stories

A good eulogy story is small and specific. It does not need a big plot. It needs a moment where the person was most themselves.

• A morning routine, a Sunday ritual, a recipe they made every year.
• A time they helped you without being asked, and what they said afterward.
• A phrase they used all the time, and what it meant to the people who heard it.
• A small funny moment. Laughter at a funeral is not disrespectful. It is a way of saying we remember them as they were.

Sample line: “Every Saturday morning, Dad would put on the same radio station, make pancakes in the shape of whatever animal we asked for, and then say they all looked like pancakes. We loved that. We still do.” A line like that makes the room smile through tears.

If your relationship with the person was complicated, you do not have to pretend. You can speak only to what was true and good, and leave out what was hard. A sentence like “He was not an easy man, and he was a devoted one” says a lot without saying too much.

A skeleton you can fill in

Delivering it

Your goal on the day is to get through it, not to give a performance. A few things help a great deal.

• Print the eulogy in large type, double spaced, and number the pages. Do not rely on your memory.
• Practice it out loud two or three times beforehand, so the hardest lines hold fewer surprises.
• Speak slowly. Grief tends to speed us up. Slow down and let each sentence finish.
• It is okay to pause, cry, or take a breath. People are on your side, and a pause feels far longer to you than to them.
• Keep water nearby.
• Ask someone you trust to stand ready to take over and finish reading if you cannot go on. Just knowing they are there often lets you finish.

Afterward, you may not remember what you said. That is normal. What people will remember is that you stood up and spoke for someone you loved.