Before you ask anything
The questions below work best when you treat them as doors, not a form to fill out. Ask one, then stay with the answer. Most of the good material comes from your second question: “What did that look like?” or “Who was there?”
How to ask so they actually open up
- Ask one question at a time, then wait. Count to five in your head before you fill a silence. People often think of the real story after a pause.
- Prefer questions that start with a place, a person or a thing. “What was your mother's kitchen like?” beats “Tell me about your childhood.”
- Follow the detail they drop. If they mention a bicycle, ask about the bicycle.
- Let them skip. “We can leave that one” is a gift. They will often come back to it on their own.
- Bring a photograph or an object. A faded snapshot of a street corner starts more stories than any prepared question.
- Keep each sitting under an hour. Two short visits beat one long one.
Pick three or four questions before you arrive, and let the rest wait for another day. You have more time than a single afternoon, and the point is to enjoy their company, not to extract a life story.
Childhood and growing up
Start here. Childhood memories are usually the sharpest, and talking about them is easy and happy, which warms the room for harder subjects later.
- What is your earliest memory?
- What was the house you grew up in like? Walk me through the front door.
- What did you share a bedroom with, and who did you share it with?
- What did your mother cook that you can still taste?
- What was dinner like in your house? Who sat where, and who talked?
- What games did you play, and who did you play them with?
- What did you get in trouble for?
- Who was your best friend, and what did you two get up to?
- What was school like? Who was the teacher you remember?
- What chores did you have, and did you do them?
- What was the first thing you ever bought with your own money?
- What did you want to be when you grew up?
- Did you have a nickname? Where did it come from?
- What was the neighborhood like? Who were the characters on your street?
- What songs or radio programs did the family listen to?
- What was a typical summer day when you were ten?
- What did you fear as a child?
Work, money and what they did all day
Grandparents often assume their jobs were boring. They almost never were. These questions turn a job title into a life.
- What was your first job, and how did you get it?
- What did a normal day look like?
- What was the hardest job you ever had?
- Who was the best boss you ever worked for? The worst?
- What did you earn, and what could that buy you?
- What are you proudest of from your working life?
- Did you ever want to quit? What kept you going?
- Was there a job you wanted and didn't get?
- What skills did you have that nobody asked about?
- How did you save money? What did you save for?
- What was the best deal, or the worst mistake, you ever made?
- Who taught you how to do your work?
- What did you do on your lunch break?
- How did you feel the day you retired?
- What do you miss about working? What do you not miss at all?
Love, family and friendship
These are the questions people most want answered and are most nervous to ask. Ask them gently, and let your grandparent decide how much to say.
- How did you meet your husband or wife? What did you notice first?
- What did you do on your first date?
- When did you know?
- What was your wedding day like? What went wrong that nobody remembers?
- What did you argue about in the early years?
- What is the secret to staying together that nobody tells you?
- Who did you love before you met each other, if you don't mind my asking?
- What was it like the day your first child was born?
- What kind of parent did you want to be? Did it turn out that way?
- What did you learn from your own parents, good and bad?
- Who are the friends who mattered most in your life?
- Is there anyone you lost touch with that you still think about?
- What was your favorite thing about each of your children when they were small?
- What is a small thing your spouse did that made you feel loved?
- What would you want your grandchildren to know about family?
Hard times and turning points
Ask these when you've built some trust, and be ready to just listen. You don't need to fix anything. Often the most valuable thing about a hard-time story is that someone finally asked.
- What was the hardest year of your life?
- How did you get through it? Who helped?
- What was the scariest moment you remember?
- Was there a time you had very little money? What did you do?
- What historical events did you live through, and where were you when they happened?
- Did you ever have to leave a place you loved?
- What decision changed the course of your life?
- What would you do differently if you could go back?
- Was there a time you were wrong and had to say so?
- Who did you lose that you still miss?
- What helped when you were grieving?
- Was there a moment someone was unexpectedly kind to you?
- What are you glad you didn't give up on?
Places, travel and the world they lived in
- Where were you born, and what do you know about the day?
- How many places have you lived? Which felt most like home?
- What was the farthest you ever traveled as a young person?
- What was the best trip you ever took?
- How did you get around before you had a car?
- What did the town look like that isn't there anymore?
- What was it like the first time you saw the ocean, a big city, or an airplane?
- How did people hear news? How did you keep in touch with far-off family?
- What was your first car, and what happened to it?
- What do young people today have that you wish you'd had? What do they miss out on?
- What was the biggest change you've seen in your lifetime?
- What is the one place you would like to see again?
Traditions, food and family sayings
These questions are easy to answer and rich in detail. They are also the questions that get a family recipe written down before it's lost.
- What did you do on holidays when you were small?
- Which family traditions did you start yourself?
- What dish does everyone ask you to make? How do you actually make it?
- Where did that recipe come from?
- What did your family say all the time? What did that phrase mean?
- Is there a song, prayer or story that gets passed down in our family?
- What was a special occasion like, and what did you wear?
- Which family members were the storytellers, and which were the quiet ones?
- Where did our family name come from, as far as you know?
- Is there an object in this house that has a story behind it?
- What did you believe as a child that turned out to be wrong?
- What do you hope we keep doing after you?
Advice, wisdom and what they want you to know
Save these for the end of a sitting, when you've both warmed up. Asked cold, “what's your advice?” gets a cliché. Asked after an hour of stories, it often gets the truest thing they know.
- What do you know now that you wish you'd known at my age?
- What advice did you ignore and later wish you'd followed?
- What matters more than people think? What matters less?
- How do you want to be remembered?
- What are you most grateful for?
- What is something you are proud of that nobody has ever asked about?
- What was the best day of your life?
- What do you think makes a good life?
- What would you say to your grandchildren's grandchildren?
- Is there anything you've always wanted to tell me?
Recording the answers
A good answer disappears if nobody keeps it. You do not need to be fancy: the voice memo app on your phone, set on a table a foot from your grandparent, is enough. Ask permission first, tell them it's just for the family, and keep the phone on Do Not Disturb.
Quick checklist for a recording afternoon
- Choose a quiet room away from the TV, the dishwasher and the ceiling fan.
- Put the phone on a folded towel so the table doesn't rattle.
- Record a ten-second test and play it back before you begin.
- Say the date and the person's name at the start of each recording.
- Write down the question you asked at the top of each file, or say it aloud so it's on the tape.
- Leave the recorder running while you eat or look at photos. The casual talk is often the best.
- Make a copy the same day. Don't let the only recording live on one phone.
Keep the questions coming
The best project is a slow one. One question a week, over a phone call or a Sunday visit, gets you through this entire list in two years and gets a surprising amount said. Many grandparents love having a regular question to look forward to, and they often come ready with an answer.
If you can't be there in person, call, put them on speaker and record the call, with their permission. A voice on a phone line still counts as their voice.
Common questions
- What if my grandparent says they don't remember?
- Come at it sideways. Show a photograph, play a song from their youth, or ask about a smell or a street instead of a year. Memory is attached to things, not dates. If it still doesn't come, let it go and try another day.
- What if my grandparent has dementia or memory loss?
- Older memories often stay clearer than recent ones, so childhood questions are a good place to start. Keep questions short and concrete, avoid quizzing them, and treat anything they offer as a gift. Record whatever they say and don't correct details.
- How many questions should I ask in one sitting?
- Three to six good ones, each followed by real listening. A single story can take twenty minutes. You are not trying to get through the list.
- What are the best questions to ask a grandparent over the phone?
- Short, specific ones from the childhood and traditions lists: what was your mother's kitchen like, what did you do on holidays, what was your first job. Long, emotional questions are easier in person.
- Should I tell them the questions in advance?
- Sometimes. Telling them you want to ask about their first job on Sunday lets them think of it, and they often arrive with a story. For harder topics, just ask in the moment.
Related guides: How to record your family's stories · How to make a family cookbook